Issue 209, page 5

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Laughing Stock
These glorious insults are from an era before the English language became boiled down to 4-letter words. . .

An exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, "If you were my husband, I'd give you poisoned tea." He answered, "If you were my wife, I'd drink it."

A member of Parliament to Prime Minister Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease." "That depends, sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace yourpolicies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the  dictionary." - William Faulkner about Ernest Hemingway

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading  it." - Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I did send a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde

"I'm enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend. . .if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill In response: Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second. . .if there is one." Winston Churchill

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

"Why don't you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it." - Mark Twain

"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp posts. . .for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

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